Michael Is Personal

There are many different kinds of MJ fans.

Understandably, people are unique. To me personally, it’s very rare that I can identify with any of the cliques or groups that people join within the fandom. It feels like I belong with all of these groups, but neither of them at the same time.

While I’m not keen on labels and boxing people into types, there were always certain identifiable groups. For example, casual enjoyers of his music, strong religious ones worshipping him as a supernatural being, thirsty ones who just can’t get enough of the gold pants, grounded ones focusing on reality and human elements, advocates who first and foremost put most of their time and energy into research, or ones overly romantically in love with him. There are many more nuanced versions of many kinds of people, of course.

Witnessed plenty of generational battles among the groups too. On that subject, me being an “oldie”, I have to say I find that Gen Z is picking up the slack more and more on actually listening to his lyrics and resonating with his messages that are so desperately needed in today’s world. I’ve seen videos of new, young fans crying, filled with inspiration gained from his music and lyrics, then filled with some anger too (“Why does nobody in mainstream media tell us to dare to hope, believe in ourselves and love each other?” were her words) because, more often than not, the lyrics of songs these days are empty and soulless.

They’ve never heard such uplifting, hopeful messages like Keep the Faith or Heal the World, and they feel like they’ve missed out on serious personal development moments that can be built by the magic that is music.

In the music industry, where it’s extremely difficult to find, if at all, anything worthy, important or inspiring, today young ones are starved for all the things MJ sang about. And starved for quality, which they haven’t been getting in a long time. Sometimes they’re quick to call everything new “iconic”, because what they’re given (in the mainstream anyway) is so mediocre, they have to convince themselves somehow that it must be good because that’s all they’re fed. Then they discover MJ and realise there’s a whole gourmet meal waiting for them. This subject deserves its own analysis, to be honest.

Getting back on track, despite being an MJ fan since ’91, I never fit in with either of these groups mentioned, yet I fit in with all.

Buckle up, a little personal history coming up that nobody asked for, LOL.

But if you’re here, I hope you find something in it for you.

Like many of us, I grew up in a broken family, surrounded by alcoholism, domestic violence, broken shelves, broken bones, you name it. From an early age, all I saw from adults was pain and suffering, fear instilled in me on a daily basis. The world around me seemed bleak and depressing.

There were some good times though. My father was a big movie lover and especially liked Chaplin, Fred Astaire, Gene Kelly, Hitchcock, the golden oldies (if you know MJ, you might see where I’m going with this, haha). I grew up watching these (I had Singin’ in the Rain on repeat on the weekends for months) and then a magical moment happened. When I first witnessed MJ on screen, I was instantly hooked!

He was modern, cool AND does the same or similar things as what I saw from these movies! Jackpot! Not only because he was just like these movie stars I watched (even better!) but because he was always smiling on screen! Never seen a smile that genuine and welcoming before. That smile and his soft voice were like a ray of sunshine in my little life that was mainly surrounded by darkness, misery and tears at the time.

At that point I mainly saw adults as aggressive and sad, then I saw MJ’s warmth radiating, full of love, hugging people, especially kids my age, and I thought, “My God, I wish he was my dad or something!” He absolutely became my escapism every second I could get, listening to his music loudly, staring at his pictures cut out from magazines that I collected in a book, all while attempting to ignore my surroundings.

He became a part of my world, my imaginary friend, my soulmate, my rock, my saviour, my escape. When I found out he liked Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire and Chaplin too, it was so taken for granted for me because, of course he does. Duuuh, everyone in my life loved them. It’s what I grew up with! Keep in mind I was seven years old, lol.

I looked at him through my lenses only. I couldn’t imagine a world where someone doesn’t know or love Gene Kelly.

Started learning English at a young age because of him too. And I was hanging on his every word and learnt so much about what kind of person I wanted to be.

When I found out he’s coming to my country, I begged my mother to take me and my sister to go see him to a level that she just couldn’t say no. He was shooting the HIStory promo video. It was insane. The city basically shut down and every single person was talking about him, from the butcher down the street to the politicians on the news.

But in my head this was normal. Of course we’re all talking about him, what else would a whole country talk about? Roads shut down, public transport was in mayhem, massive crowds everywhere he went, and still in my head this was normal and expected. It’s Michael Jackson! He’s the most important man in the world (for me), therefore has to be for everyone! Lol.

Seeing him was indescribable. When you spend all your free time imagining what he might be doing, fantasising where he’s at, waiting for a news report to tell you “he’s here! he’s there!”, to finally be exactly in the same space and time where he is… No words to describe what it was like to see him move about and smile and wave right in front of you. You do NOT want to be anywhere else in the world. You stop wishing you were somewhere else. You finally are able to live in the moment!

Later I saw him in concert too, and that absolutely was a spiritual experience. Naturally every time he turned his head towards where I was in the crowd, I just knew he was looking at me because, of course he was. There was nobody else there, lol.

Then as I grew in my teenage years, I slowed down the obsession part and focused on developing myself. I still listened to his music all the time but broadened my horizons and didn’t think about him that often. Always in my heart and always reached to him in tough times, he just wasn’t at the forefront.

He was “just another part of me” for real. Like a brother, father or friend from childhood. Deep in my DNA. Like a family member you sometimes lose contact with but always get back to. Saw him as a distant uncle or something like that.

And I could never listen to just one song of his. If I hear just a snippet of a song, I have to go listen to his whole discography immediately. One may call this obsession. I call it TASTE. Haha.

All the years of loving him, I never really had friends who liked him as much as I did. My sister liked him a lot when we were little but it faded for her completely. I was mostly alone in my admiration, and as I grew more cynical, realistic and older, I didn’t want to know other fans either because I never wanted to look at him in one dimensional ways that some fan groups do.

And he was always my personal escape. Never looked at him blindly though. Several times when I read some article or saw something, I thought, “What was he thinking? Why did he even do that? There must be so many yes-men surrounding him. He needs a reality check.” I noticed his flaws too, but that never stopped me from admiring him.

He was always a bit of everything to me, and we really had similar tastes in many things. Not only because I listened to and watched everything I knew he liked, but because I already was into those things before I knew he liked them too. Many times I enjoyed some movie or artist and found out later he was also a fan of those, and I loved that.

It’s also not a stretch to say he raised me in certain ways. As mental as it sounds. He taught me more about the person I wanted to become than my own parents. His kindness, his empathy, his concern for others’ well-being, his inspiring works, his intellect, his honesty, his work ethic, his humbleness, his open-mindedness, his genuine childlike joy, and his smile. Oh, that smile, that shines warmth into people’s hearts.

And then the heartbreak in 2009…

I was having a sleepless night, tossing and turning for hours when I decided to just get up and go online. And then I saw it. The news just broke and articles kept flooding every single site I looked at, the headlines of his death just broke… I thought it was just tabloid bullshit again and waited, and kept reading, but still in major denial.

Then I thought, OK, I hope he faked his death to live the rest of his life in peace finally. He deserves that. Just play the media one more time in a major way and escape somewhere.

But there were no more excuses left. It was becoming more and more real. Then I collapsed in tears at work as I Want You Back started playing really loud.

I spent many, many years with him in my heart, soul and mind. It’s a fan cliché but I really felt like I knew him a little. He put his soul into his work and into everything he did, and that kind of magic always resonates with people who want to listen.

True art finds true hearts.

Been going through the stages of grief on and off regularly ever since. I almost accepted this state when that HBO shit show in 2019 appeared and I decided to get a Twitter account to find out more.

Besides the numerous new information, footages and pictures that I never witnessed back in the day, I also entered the world of online fandoms. My fan passion reignited as I was chatting with like minded people and witnessed it all.

Found vast amounts of info on all the allegations, on which, by the way, I spent over a year reading through, and I mean every single thing available, from court documents to FBI files, you name it. I wanted to catch up with all the details as an adult and just ended up “falling in love” with him all over again, and broke my heart over and over again on how the world treated him like trash.

But the realists, the advocates, probably the most precious parts of the fandom for me, never disappointed. I realised his fans are normal people! Mostly. Haha.

I was always just a thin line away from giving up on humanity in general. I was always a loner and enjoy my personal space and peace and quiet. Then I interacted with some of the most amazing people that I never even met.

And as I got into the interactions more and more, I realised that I was the judgemental one.

There will always be millions of differences among us, but one thing always connects us, and that is the deep desire for this connection and love over something beautiful that MJ created through his music, his actions and words. Sharing something that hopefully makes us better. Sharing experiences, learning from each other. Wisdom, care, fun. Oh, so much fun to be had in this fandom!

I never thought I needed this. I never wanted to be part of any groups due to fear of being manipulated or getting side tracked or something. But I realised I desperately needed a space where we can be together, and we can confidently say to each other:

You are not alone.

As much as I’ll always feel MJ is personal to me and nobody sees him the way I do, I know I’m not alone and I’ve learnt to open my mind and heart a little more to truly understand that every person has their own world in their heads. If there’s even just a tiny part we can share together, it’s the most beautiful thing in the world.

Thank you, Michael.

You gave this to us all.